My First Date

Dating was never really my “thing”, I just wasn’t good at it. Usually the guys annoyed me to no end, they were just far too “gaa gaa” and always sent me running away screaming like there was a swarm of bees chasing me. I’ve been married for 9 years now to my wonderful husband. Yet, I went on a “first date” yesterday and disliked the thought of it, just like always! I was nervous and a little jittery, hoping for a good match, someone I could tolerate, at the very least.  Sound familiar? I knew it would.  Welcome to the frustrating and sometimes catastrophic world of doctor dating. We all vividly remember and tell stories of our  first dates…the anticipation, the nerves the hope that “he” would be the one you’ve been looking for.  When that dreaded day finally arrives you check your reflection in the mirror and take a deep breath, hoping this time you got it right.  Would he be supportive, caring and honest?  The questions swirl in your head like a Chicago snowstorm and your stomach has that sick, nervous feeling.  I am happy to report that my first date with this new specialist went well yesterday, he was annoyingly late, incredibly nice, thorough and understanding.  I think he liked me too, he even stopped me on the way out the door and told me that I have incredible energy and that I’d made his day.

So then what happens, when like me, you have found the Doc of your dreams and he looks at you one day and says “I have to send you to a specialist for this”. You know that feeling, your heart plummets into your stomach, you get that nauseous feeling, tears sting your eyes and you just want to yell “NO, I don’t need a specialist, I don’t want to go to another Doctor!” All because you know that once again, you get to explain ALL your WEIRD issues to yet ANOTHER person and you’re almost guaranteed that you’re going to get at least one very strange look, probably many.

Searching for the perfect doctor is frustrating, whether they are your primary doc or a specialist, and much like the Easter Bunny…he just doesn’t exist.  If your doctor doesn’t meet your needs or act like “he” even cares, if you don’t trust them immensely and if “she” angers you on a regular basis; I highly suggest jumping back into the doctor dating world.  It does take time to build a strong Doc/patient relationship but I can always tell on that very first “date” if this doctor is going to be the one. I don’t always listen to that “gut feeling” and that fault of mine has left me intensely frustrated several times.

I am probably different than most patients with a chronic illness. I say that because I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want anything sugar-coated, I try my best not to whine and I don’t like drugs. On top of that, I am mesmerized by the human body and have a hunger for knowledge. I have worked in healthcare and I read everything I can get my hands on…not just info pertaining to my disease. I don’t think I am a know-it-all, I like for my Doctor to be the Doc, they are far more educated than I but I do want to be a “partner” in my healthcare. I like Doctors that tell me “I don’t know” when they don’t have a clue and I like Doctors that really listen to me and make me laugh.  Geee whiz. I am surprised I have EVER found a Doctor that I like, believe me, there have been plenty that I have gone head-to-head with! Oh, I like that too, a Doctor I can argue with and still smile as I walk out the door.

I have been incredibly blessed with two of the best Doctors to walk the Earth…EVER. They are as different as pound cakes and pecan pies, but they are both amazing. One is very outwardly compassionate, just too sweet, he is by far the most soft-spoken and loving Doctor I have ever gone to or worked with in my life. He has Ehlers Danlos as well, yes, I am talking about Mark Lavallee. Dr. Lavallee inspires me to  live with this disease and not fight it. I haven’t quite figured out how he does it, but he ignites fires from the embers of hope that glow deep in my soul. When I have a bad day, I think about Mark and what he lives with daily and I know if he can do it, I can too. I am not his only patient that feels this way, I know dozens of others, we all love him dearly. My other Doctor is equally, if not more awesome, but in a totally different way. Y’all won’t know his name as well (doesn’t every EDSer hear the name Lavallee and their ears perk up?) he is amazing! My Doctor here in New York is named Doctor Craig Amnott. I knew the day I met him that “the search was over”.  Dr. Amnott is not soft spoken, if he’s upset, you know it and he is very compassionate but not very verbal about it. He doesn’t like it when folks whine a lot and he tells it like it is. In a situation when Dr. Lavallee would cry with you, Doctor Amnott would tell you to “dry it up and drive on”. It’s not that he doesn’t care, he’s just very realistic and rational. Whatever he’s saying, there’s no beating around the bush. I asked him one day if something was going to hurt and he said “no worries Ila, I won’t feel a thing!!!” He’s incredibly smart, very proactive and he truly cares about his patients, especially those that want to help themselves. Dr. Lavallee begged me to stop smoking and I tried, I really did and even cried when I didn’t because Dr. Lavallee wanted me to and I didn’t want to disappoint him. Dr. Amnott got onto me about it several times and you better believe I just QUIT. I’m a kick in the butt kind of girl! Dr. Amnott has helped me so much physically and we all know that carries over and helps mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc… I want to be just like him when I grow up.

So, back to my date yesterday… As I was sitting in the waiting room for almost 3 hours and then another hour in the back, I was contemplating the rules of Doctor Dating. Let me share them with you!

Move Slowly

 Don’t just blab your entire medical history the minute he walks through the door. Establish a strong relationship before you decide that he’s the one.  First appointments are like first dates in that both of you will most likely put your best foot forward.  After a few dates, you’ll have spent enough time together to know whether to stick around.

He gives you the best he’s got…

 All doctors are busy, but once you’re in the office, good doctors will take their time. Making time for you means that he doesn’t leave you sitting in the waiting room while he eats doughnuts and spends ½ hour on Facebook. It means that your doctor will give you his undivided attention and really listen. In this relationship, you are in the driver’s seat.  You are the one who knows how you feel and just like in a real dating relationship, he’s not a mind reader.  Dr. Right will support and  empower you, not act like you are holding up his latest game of Words with Friends.

Check-up

Many people choose to Google their Doctor, I don’t, it makes me feel like I am violating them! Once I have met a Doctor, I will go to some of the Doctor rating sights and write a review about them and I try to be very objective. If I like and trust my Doc, I really don’t give a flying fruit loop what some stranger says about them online. If I have concerns, I’ll ask them about it.

He Has The Affection Connection

Being blessed with a chronic illness can be stressful! We are very unpredictable and the sudden appearance of pain and swelling is common.  Dr. Right won’t get spooked by the fact that you are a conundrum.  Just like being in a relationship with the one that always makes you feel safe and secure, Dr. Right will make you feel comfortable enough to talk about the pain that’s everywhere, your fears and your anger at this crazy disease!

Don’t forget his family!

 When you know it’s time to toss “The Idiot’s Guide to Dating”  because you have most definitely found Dr. Right, keep this in mind: you’re connecting with the whole family, which for a doctor means the office staff. I like to call them the gatekeepers and trust me, if you piss off the gatekeepers you will become an outcast of the family. Be nice to them, they have stressful jobs and they usually do the best they can. I know great Docs that have lost patients because of their staff. If someone is truly rude regularly, talk with your Doc about it, maybe he can guide them in the right direction.

He is NOT God…

I know, when we find Dr. Right we put all faith in him as a Doctor. Please be rational about this and don’t ruin a perfectly good relationship because you are being silly and putting Dr. Right on a pedestal. Doctors PRACTICE medicine! Do you read me clearly? DOCTORS PRACTICE MEDICINE!!!!! Even Dr. Right is not infallible, he is going to make mistakes and that is not only okay, it should be expected. Doctors are also NOT omnipotent, they don’t know everything, especially what you are thinking or hiding. Please be completely open and honest with your physician, especially once you have found Dr. Right. If you don’t share what is going on with you, how can they really help?

-on another note! DO NOT LIE TO YOUR DOCTOR, they are NOT stupid people! A friend of mine asked me this week; “you know Dr. so and so well, do you think he stalks me on Facebook?” When I asked her WHY she would ever think that she said “because he always calls me out when I lie to him, I just don’t know how he does it!” Okay folks, I haven’t been to medical school lately but I am pretty sure they have some type of instruction in body language. Do you realize that when you communicate, less than 30% of the message you are conveying is done verbally? HELLO! If you don’t understand what I am saying, let me put it bluntly, don’t lie to your Doctor, it makes you look very stupid because your Doctors know when you are being dishonest. Don’t think you can get away with it, you can’t control your body enough to fool them. So, don’t lie to anyone, ever but especially the person you have entrusted with your health.

Doctors Don’t Bite….not hard anyway…

Your Doctor does not care if you forgot to brush your teeth, put on pretty underwear,  or forgot to shave your legs. Don’t apologize to your doctor about stupid things, you are wasting your breath and her precious time. Your stinky breath and prickly legs are the least of their concern and they’ve probably experienced far worse. Be confident when you are with the doctor and if you aren’t feeling confident, fake it. I can guarantee that if you exude confidence and self-assuredness, all of your dates will go much better, for you and the Doc.

There are probably other random rules that I am forgetting, we can talk about those later. Just have a cup of common sense, 2 tablespoons of patience, 2 cups of sincerity, 4.5 cups of respect, 1 pound of determination. Combine well, and watch closely….your courtship will be happy and long-lasting!